As we finally begin to name the atrocities and violations against women’s sexuality, let’s not forget our men.

THE MALE STEREOTYPE

It seems popular to criticize male sexuality in the United States. I speak of the US because this is the only country I know.

• Men are predators.

• Men make unimaginative and vulgar porn

• Men can’t stop watching porn

• Men are boring in bed

• Men don’t know what foreplay is

• Men don’t know what intimacy is

• Men are insensitive

• Men are out of touch with their emotions

• Men don’t know how to turn women on

• Men don’t even know how to approach women politely

• Men are uneducated about women’s bodies

• Men don’t like romance

• Men send dick pics

• Men have “erectile dysfunction”

• If men don’t have an erection, we can’t have sex

• Men have “premature ejaculation”

• If men ejaculate at the wrong time, sex must end

• Men tell women what to do with their bodies

• Men created Patriarchy - a system of gender superiority

It’s usually people other than men who make these comments, but the beliefs are also internalized by men as they turn into common jokes on TV and social media.

ROOT CAUSE RESOLUTION

Some of the above statements may be “proven” by science. Which means that someone collected information to show that most men are like this.

But that doesn’t show how men are. It shows how men have become.

In medicine, we now know to look for the root cause. Just because someone has cancer, it no longer means they must live with it forever. They are not cancer. They have become cancerous. If we can find the “root cause”, the source of the problem, they can often shed the diagnosis.

What might be the root cause of some of the above complaints about men and their sexuality?

INFANTILE GENITAL MUTILATION

Well, the first experience for most male babies is brutal genital mutilation. 90% of their capacity for sexual pleasure, measured in neural connections, is simply chopped off with a blade.

This is trauma. Serious trauma to the body and soul.

Neither men, nor women, would tolerate this genital mutilation if they understood what is lost with the foreskin.

Or where it goes - did you know that male foreskin is a valuable monetary commodity sold by hospitals at a high profit for industrial uses?

But back to the man. The foreskin is intended to protect the mucous membrane on the tip. Most of the pleasure neural connections are in the foreskin, and on the mucous-covered tip which becomes dry and insensitive once the foreskin is removed. So the man loses MOST of his pleasure potential.

As for the woman, we lose much of the pleasure of intercourse. The foreskin is designed to stroke the g-spot or urethral sponge during sex making the act of intercourse pleasurable for the woman, often causing “squirting”, a completely different and unusual form of orgasm and pleasure than the clitoral orgasm women know today. Women like to complain that the “pounding” of regular intercourse is not pleasurable … that is largely because our men have no foreskin.

Mutilation of a baby boy’s most pleasurable body part causes lifetime scars that are pre-verbal, sinking deep into his body and emotions.

BONER SHAME

Enter boner shame.

As soon as the boy can understand social queues, he will get the lesson, at some point, that his body is not allowed to have the innocent natural movement of an erection EVER. Unless he is behind closed doors by himself or with a consenting partner. So for 99% of the rest of his life, he shall not allow this natural body movement.

By forcing men to repress an important natural body movement we also repress their thoughts and emotions.

How many meanings or beliefs might a young boy internalize when he realizes he is not allowed to have these body movements/thought/feelings?

• My arousal is bad

• My body is bad

• My sexuality is powerful

• My sexuality is harmful

• My sexuality is offensive

• Pleasure is bad

• Thoughts of arousal are bad

• I should not think about sex

• I should not feel aroused

• Feelings can harm others so I have to hold them back

• IT'S OK TO TELL OTHER PEOPLE WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR BODY

• I am broken if I don’t have perfect control over this part of my body

• Someone might think I want to have sex with them when I don’t

• I need to keep my muscles armored against this movement

• I can not experience my natural life force energy except in secret

• My creative force must be suppressed

• I must stop emotions before they arise

• I am not sovereign over my body

• I have no right to consent about how my body moves

TRAUMA ON TOP OF TRAUMA

Trauma is an emotion that got stuck in the body.

Acute trauma comes from a shocking incident, such as infant genital mutilation.

Developmental trauma is "childhood trauma such as chronic abuse, neglect or other harsh adversity" and usually a response to an ongoing situation rather than a one-time shock. Often it develops when our body movements were suppressed during an emotional event.

Our body remembers.

It will then respond to new situations with strategies learned during moments of emotional challenge.

Leading trauma researcher Bessel Van der Kolk says, “Western culture is astoundingly disembodied, and uniquely so.” He points out that trauma is formed when your “stress hormones continue going up but you can not discharge it with action. Then the stress hormones start reeking havoc on your internal systems.” Like what happens when a man becomes aroused or erect and is not able to allow his body to have the natural action. Sound familiar, men?

He further says that “trauma cuts off your relationship to your body.” Hmmmm … could this be related to “erectile dysfunction” when a man is ready to have an erection “on demand” but his body does not respond? Of course he isn’t because his relationship to that part of his body has been cut off.

Due to lifetime suppression of important natural body movements, men in general have an unnatural relationship with their erection.

INTERNALIZED ISOLATION

When he realizes he can not move naturally, a growing boy will internalize a dismissal of his yearning for connection, love, inclusion, being seen, cared for, respected. He will naturally feel his sexuality, arousal, and even his need for human connection is bad, embarrassing and should be hidden.

Much of this is preverbal, rooting the beliefs deep in his body, a place deeper than conscious thought.

NATURAL ADAPTATION

Like all living beings, boys and men adapt to their circumstances. They come up with coping strategies unconsciously. In what ways might men adapt to the traumas of genital mutilation and boner shame?

See the first bullet-point list above:

• Becoming predators.

• Making unimaginative and vulgar porn

• Being boring in bed

• Not knowing what foreplay is

• Becoming obsessed with porn - behind closed doors

• Not knowing what intimacy is

• Being insensitive

• Being out of touch with their emotions

• Not knowing how to turn women on

• Not knowing how to approach women politely

• Being uneducated about women’s bodies

• Not enjoying romance

• Sending dick pics

• Having “erectile dysfunction”

• If they don’t have an erection, not having sex

• Having “premature ejaculation”

• Creating Patriarchy

Perhaps most of the complaints we have about men and their sexuality are the result of adaptations that occurred way before the man standing before us irritated us.

And perhaps we have something to do with these adaptations.

WHAT CAN MEN DO?

First, do not allow your son to be genitally mutilated.

After that, some psychologists say the cure to these unnatural adaptations is to complete the natural action and savor it. Create new neural connections.

Do it. Enjoy it. Then do it again. And again. And again. Specifically:

• Each time you have a natural erection any time and any place, take a nice deep breath and notice it.

• Feel it in your body. Dwell on the sensations.

• Focus on what is rewarding about it. Notice any emotions.

These techniques bring your new action into conscious awareness and reprogram your unconscious system.

Physical changes in the body are the basis for all lasting learning, growth, development and healing.

WHAT CAN WE ALL DO?

First, do not allow your son to be genitally mutilated.

After that, become a creator.

When we operate as a victim, we adapt ourself to the outside world with the belief that we are powerless to change our circumstances.

As a creator, we know that every day we create the world we want to live in. We adapt the outside world to what serves our true nature.

Destruction precedes creation. To improve our world, we must be willing to destroy old habits that no longer serve us.

We must question long-standing practices.

From a creator stance - does it serve us any longer to suppress this natural body movement of our sons and brothers?

Now that we know body suppression causes emotional and mental suppression, along with the natural adaptations of men we criticize so freely … why not end what may be causing our complaints?

Why traumatize our boys?

It’s not about you.

It’s their body.

Let’s allow them to be natural and move on.